Anytime you soften your heart, you are strengthening self-care.

Anytime you turn inward and begin to see and accept the disowned parts of yourself, you are strengthening self-care.

Anytime you touch compassion for the parts of yourself that you have not liked, you are strengthening self-care.

How can therapists best take care of themselves while helping others?
Our days, often long ones, are consumed with listening and responding to the stories, and pain of others. Many of us exercise, attempt to get sufficient sleep, eat well, take vacations, and engage in hobbies that don’t involve work. And still, we feel the suffering of others settling inside us. We know all too well how to “take care” of others but seem less equipped to take good care of ourselves.

I would like to broaden the definition of self-care to include a mind-set for living our lives. What if we thought about self-care as developing a compassionate stance towards all dimensions of our being, even the parts we don’t like?

IDEAS:

1. Avoiding life’s difficulties does not equal happiness.
Set an intention to engage with all parts of yourself, even the ones you don’t like. Over time, this will lead to greater acceptance.

2. Notice the flow between pleasant and unpleasant experiences instead of clinging to the good and getting rid of the bad.

3. Perfection is an unattainable goal
Shift the focus from achieving perfection to recognizing and allowing what is to be what is. Pay attention to how you compare, judge, and try to fix. These harsh feelings derail us from inquiry, curiosity, and simply noticing “what is.” Longing for perfection does not promote self-care, but rather, increases unrealistic expectations, and disappointments.

4. Relaxing doesn’t always lead to calmer states.
The mind is very active, planning, organizing, reviewing what once was, and anticipating what is yet to come. Understanding how your mind works by watching it wander will lead to a more restful state. Bring awareness to the process of the mind wandering rather than engaging in a battle to try to stop its natural flow.

5. Therapy is a shared journey
Begin to discern the difference between “taking care” of the people with whom you work, and being present as a knowledgeable, empathic companion or witness. It is not our job to fix another person, but rather, we hold a space in which they can be heard and accepted no matter what emerges.

6. Not everything is an emergency
Notice the difference between reactive and responsive states. Reactive states occur when we work with people who are looking to us for solutions to the pain they feel. In our true wish for them to feel better, we jump in, leap to help them – we react with urgency. A responsive state allows for space for us to take a breath, pause, notice our own feelings, and then respond. Responding could mean saying or doing something, or saying or doing nothing at all. It is simply being present with the other’s experience

7. Turn towards a compassion stance with oneself – all parts of oneself, even those we don’t like
Compassion is the opposite of pity., and it levels hierarchy. Beneath every person’s unique story lies a thread of human commonality that speaks to the fact that we are all in this life together, struggling with very similar fears.

8. Taking care of oneself does not mean being completely independent
We all need one another. Looking inward and listening to oneself, allows us to meet life as it is, trusting that we will figure out what most needs our attention at a given time. This process helps settle the system, reach out to others when needed, and experience a deep connection with ourselves as well as those who help us.

SOME TOOLS FOR SELF-CARE WHEN WORKING

End sessions on time
Take a few minutes of personal transition time for re-grouping and gathering oneself.

Pause at the end of each session
This may mean taking a couple of deep, cleansing breaths, or simply standing quietly for a minute. Find a ritual that delineates one patient from the next. This allows space for the patient you have just seen to settle inside you and release; this in turn creates room for someone else.

Pay attention
There are many ways we distract ourselves from endings and beginnings. Is it really necessary to check email, phone and text messages between every session? Discern what is simply habitual behavior and what can wait.

Notice what triggers you
You will likely feel this somewhere in your body. Although you may not know what is bothering you, if you pause and open to investigation, you are engaging in self-care. Becoming curious about what the body is telling you, works against habitual judgment of feelings.

Build in moments that allow your mind to wander, and “not know.”
Ask yourself open-ended questions and notice your mind rushing to find a definitive answer. Let go of the “answer finding” and ask the question again. See if you can relax into not-knowing the answer through thinking. The mind needs time to float in open space.

Trust emergence

The new Pixar film, “Inside Out,” brings to light the vast array of deep emotions experienced in childhood. Told through the eyes of an 11 year-old girl, moving with her family from her childhood home to a new city, we hear the voices of joy, anger, sadness, fear and disgust bouncing off one another as she navigates this difficult time.

As parents, we often focus on the external challenges of such a move – new house, neighborhood, school, friends. We tend to equate success with happiness, overlooking the multitude of other feelings that accompany life changes. “Inside Out” poignantly highlights the importance of accessing and accepting all feelings, putting particular emphasis on the role of sadness.

Sadness, like anger, can be perceived as a failure. It is seen as something to “get away from” rather than something to acknowledge and embrace. However, without it, we develop a kind of false sense of happiness– we look “fine” but we feel lost and disconnected. When we truly let ourselves feel deep sadness, we also set the stage for interpersonal connection, which in turn facilitates the unfolding of development.

Adults like to think that children are immune to the deep sadness that we experience. I hear many parents say, “she’s just a child, she will be fine.” In fact, children perceive a range of feelings, but often don’t have the words or cognition to explain or speak to what they feel. Children, like adults, experience deep sadness in the face of loss. They are not “naturally happy,” and, they need all their feelings validated.

“Inside Out” underscores the fact that sadness is not only an acceptable, but also a necessary part of the process of adjusting. It is through sadness, or suffering, that we develop compassion and empathy. Conversely, when one is sad, others jump in to soothe, help, comfort allowing for intimate connection. Experiencing our sadness with compassion helps us settle into change, and move forward.

“The chance to shape one’s story is essential to sustaining meaning in life.”
-Atul Gawande from Being Mortal

“It takes two to speak the truth – one to speak and another to hear.”
-David Henry Thoreau

People often come into therapy because some part of their known story needs revisiting. Something, possibly not yet visible, is no longer ringing true. Most people seek help when there is enough pain to propel them to change. They may begin this process with a description of what needs changing in someone else; but if I listen carefully, I can hear them telling the story of themselves.

I have a set of professional skills that include psychodynamic theory, mindfulness meditation, empathy, listening deeply, and an ability to create a safe environment in which a story can be told. I firmly believe that if one is to release themselves from the confines of an old pattern, one first needs to tell the story that has held them, and have it received and understood in the presence of another.

Stories develop from our earliest experiences. Infants come into the world and are quickly identified as “quiet, easy, irritable, quick to startle,” to name a few. They grow into “she was the one who always got into trouble,” or “he was the peacemaker in the family.” While all these descriptions may hold truth, none of them are terribly meaningful without understanding the surrounding context, and felt experience in which they emerged.

In therapy, we sit together as the texture of a life story unfolds. People paint the landscapes of their inner world through the telling and re-telling of their stories. I listen for the underlying themes, the moments that trigger strong affect, sensing the ongoing relational field in between myself and my patients. Together, we map out the contextual and experiential backdrop of what gives meaning to a particular person.

Studies of the brain confirm that the more we repeat something, the more tightly it lodges in the brain structure. The research on neuroplasticity informs us that the brain can re-form itself once new messages begin to take hold. As we speak these stories in the holding environment of another, they slowly begin to diminish, altering the brain. Before we had research to document this, therapists knew that deep listening within a safe connection, allows for releasing and healing of old stories, as new ones inch their way into visibility.

I believe that old stories can imprison us; but I also know that they have served a purpose; that is, they have been our constant companions. No matter how maladaptive they are in the present, they once served to comfort us, give us a sense of connection, and help us make sense of the world and those in it. For example, many people who have suffered abuse as children tell the story of the abusive parent being kind and loving. They often speak of themselves as “bad” as if they deserved such abuse. As children, these stories helped them cope with situations that were traumatic and overwhelming, and because they helped them in this way, those stories stuck like glue.

In therapy, I listen to people tell their stories over and over again until in the telling, and the attuned listening and inquiry, we together begin to push the edge of the truth. I often say, “it certainly is real, but is it true?” That is, together, we acknowledge and later befriend, even the most tenacious of stories, so that we can release them gradually, and with compassion.

We tell our stories repeatedly when we are close to something new. We need another person, to listen for the opening to the entrance of the next door.

“Rather than having to “be” or “do” more, can we simply begin to “see” more?
-Trudy Goodman, founder of Insightla

You can’t change anything until you’ve engaged with it. Eastern and Western cultures view change in very different ways. Western thinking focuses on “if there’s a problem, jump in and fix it.” That is, “do first and think or reflect later.” In contrast,  Eastern thinking advocates a gentler approach: In simply beginning to bring awareness to something, you have already begun to change it. Concepts such as “start where you are, “just start over,” or “the point where you begin is always the right time,” are powerful ways of thinking, albeit a bit foreign to Westerners.

In my work as a psychologist for children, parents, and individual adults, I attempt to slow down the “fix-it” process by setting a tone of deep listening, engaged inquiry, and reflection. The notion of slowing down the “doing” and increasing the “looking and inquiring,” does not come easily for many of us. And, in the face of parents living with worry, fear, and anxiety about themselves and their children, the impulse is often to act first and reflect later. In a calmer, kinder holding environment, we are better able to delineate what is the parent, what is their child, and what’s in between the two. Setting a goal, or developing behavioral strategies are fine ideas, but in my experience, these things can’t be imposed onto a situation from the outside. Ideas or strategies may emerge from knowing the parents and the child, and from non-judgmental encouragement for the process of “seeing what is.”

What is it to find one’s voice?

I like to think of finding one’s voice as a progression involving

• TALKING
• SPEAKING
• VOICE

Most of us talk quite easily. We find connection in conversing, sharing opinions, tossing ideas around. Often we talk to hear ourselves talking, as we release the anxiety we feel when we are quiet. We also talk to sort out ideas, express feelings, and tell our stories.

In the work of therapy, people begin a conversation with a trusted other in which they can know themselves. This begins with talking, sharing ideas and feelings, and describing one’s experience. Gradually, talking becomes speaking as the words take form and texture. Chatter dissipates, morphing into the speech of deep conversation as the truth of experience emerges. Finding voice is a relational process.

So what is speaking from within? Some people call this wise speech. That is, speaking with the intention of non-harming, and yet, having the words come from an authentic place inside which I call voice. From talking to speaking and being heard, one begins to know the sound of one’s voice. Voice evolves from a quiet presence with oneself. It is an outgrowth of speaking and being heard.

If listening is a big part of the work I do, then speaking is the other side of the equation. People come into my office to share their stories – to find their voice – to be heard and known deeply, so as to release themselves from the confines of old stories as new ones are written. Giving voice to oneself requires a listener – a companion of sorts – in the process of growing and out-growing.

We often find ourselves “efforting” or “trying” to do or be something. These words define the something as outside of us – a place we must “get to,” before we can actually do or be something else. Often viewed as a perfect place, we strive to reach something that actually lives inside each one of us. Once we release the trying, we are reminded that we are already there, just doing the best we can. There is no other outside ourselves who can do it better.

BOOK RECOMMENDATION

SITTING STILL LIKE A FROG – MINDFULNESS
EXERCISES FOR KIDS (AND THEIR PARENTS)

By Eline Snel (2013)

This is a handy, user-friendly book of relaxation exercises for children ages 5-12. I particularly like the way Dr. Snel talks about anxiety, repetitive thoughts, body experiences, and breathing. She is insightful into the multitude of reasons kids experience anxiety, as well as providing useful tools for helping these states.

Book comes with a CD for use in guided meditations, and can be purchased through Shambala Sun and Amazon.